The New Scooby Doo Movies: Scooby Doo meets Kesha
by The Great Hunt
Summary: Mystery Inc. go to a distillery owned by Kesha to solve a mystery. Some strong language, but nothing too bad, but still rated M just to be safe. Based off of the "New Scooby Doo Mysteries", where Scooby Doo and gang would be with celebrities.
1. Chapter 1: Opening at a Distillery

**Scooby Doo Meets Ke$ha**

Hi. Thanks for reading! This is my first fanfiction ever published. Hope you enjoy. Disclaimer: I in no manner have any ownership of Scooby-Doo or Ke$ha. Scooby-Doo is the property of Hanna Barbara and Ke$ha is owned by...herself? Any other copyrighted characters not the creation of this author belong to their respective owners.

_Chapter 1: Opening at a Distillery _

"The most difficult part of this job is adjusting to grave yard shift," thought Douglas as he walked down the long corridor.

"I need to get some more coffee. Wished the power wasn't out, I'd brew some up", he again thought to himself as he madehis way pass the corner, through the catwalks of the main building of the distillery, passing the large reaction vessels filled with fermenting grains becoming ethanol.

"Damn electricity always going out…this place is over a hundred years old, sure, but you'd think they could afford to maintain the electrical system. Perhaps being under management of that pop star will change thing," Douglass mused to himself, the light of his flashlight illumining the way around the large room. "What was her name again? Lady Gaga? No?..." he thought, more of a distraction on this seemingly boring night than anything he truly cared about.

Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, Douglas glimpsed a movement. "Huh, who's there?" The beam of Douglas' flashlight jerked towards the motion, but nothing was there.

"Probably just some cat, like those old B horror movies", thought an annoyed Douglas. Still, he had to investigate. Turning in the direction the…motion?...had gone in, he looked all over, the beam of the light slicing through the darkness. But besides the usual contents of a distillery, nothing to account for the image in the corner of his eye. "Maybe I'm starting to hallucinate from sleep deprivation. That energy drink just didn't cut it," thought Douglas, turning back on his normal path. "Of course, in those old B horror movies, after the guy find the cat, the monster is just behind him. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in real life" Douglas mused as he was almost out of the room, when suddenly, a _thud_ echoed behind him. Douglas tensed, and broke out in cold sweat. There was _something_, something that was definitely larger than a housecat, just a few feet behind him.

"Shit! I'm just a rent-a-cop, I don't have a gun, not even a stun gun. Just some pepper spray," Douglass panicked as he assessed how defenceless he was.

"Hold on, hold on", Douglass clamed himself. "It could just be something large, like a ceiling tile that fell. Yeah. I'm gonna turn around, see a big chunk of ceiling on the floor, and laugh and be glad it didn't hit me." Despite his little pep talk, Douglass only reluctantly turned around.

Instantly Douglass regretted turning around. Before him was a most horrible figure. The abomination was ghostly white, except for two glowing red eyes. As Douglass' mind processed what was before him (as best as it could), he could see it was a man; well, humanoid by any rate. Sure it had the features of a man; sandy blonde hair, a long nose, a mouth turned in a horrible grin. Yet, at the same time, Douglass just _knew_ what was before him did not belong in this world.

At first, Douglass was too overwhelmed to really _do_ anything. The horrid figure was motionless. Then the slightest movement from the…thing… made Douglass' body and mind come out of coma in an instant, and Douglass lost his shit, both figuratively and literally, as he jumped over the catwalk. Not falling from being startled, but jumped, as his instincts from a more primal time told him that was the most direct escape route from the monstrosity. The prospect of that…_thing_…was an even greater threat than gravity. Douglass barely noticed he the floor he was about to land on.


	2. Chapter 2: Arrival at a Distillery

_Chapter 2: Arrival at a Distillery_

The next morning was bright and crisp. The horrors of the past night would be unthinkable in the bright autumn sun, illuminating the rich mix of reds, oranges, yellows, and browns as the many trees prepared for winter. Yet it was exactly those horrors that brought the occupants of an orange flowered, green and blue-coloured '69 VW van on the winding road to the distillery. For this van had "Mystery Machine" in orange, and inside were the world-famous super sleuths, Mystery Inc. At the wheel was Fred Jones, the all American boy who led the group. Fred was a natural leader; whether he was leading a high school football team as quarter back or convincing a bunch of teens to split up in creepy places. Fred was at the wheel of the gang in more ways than just driver of the van. If Fred was the all American boy, the girl next to him, Daphne Blake, was the all American girl. Despite being a fashion-conscious red-headed cheerleader, who's daddy was the richest man in her hometown of Crystal Cove, she was not above running around dusty, cobweb infested, derelict mansions with her friends. Also in the front seat was Velma Dinky, the smart girl, who always put the pieces of the puzzle together to figure out who done it. Although less glamorous than Daphne, Velma had a more approachable "girl-next-door" air about her. And although not wearing the high fashions of Daphne, Velma's conservative orange jumper did make the boys wonder what was under all that cloth. She wore what use to be called "nerd glasses" before such eyewear became "hipster glasses". Velma once remarked to her friends "I was wearing these before hipsters made them cool to wear…oh dear, I just sounded like the largest hipster ever". Despite Velma's lampshading, it was the other two members of Mystery Inc in the back of the van who more closely resembled hipsters. Rather hungry hipsters. In a green shirt and red pants was Norville Rogers, more commonly referred to as "Shaggy" due to his shaggy beard. Shaggy's other half was a large Great Dane named Scooby Doo. No one really questioned why Scooby could talk, but whatever the reason, Scooby and Shaggy were a duo within the group; always the ones running away from the monster while constantly trying to eat. Although they appeared to be a bunch of meddling kids and a dog without a clue, time and time again Mystery Inc. had brought many masked villains to justice. Word of their mystery-solving skills was so great, even celebrities occasionally requested their services, as was the case with the gang's current job.

"Like, how much further to this haunted distillery, like, I'm starving?" Shaggy asked.

"Only another couple of miles. Usually, I would be excited about being invited to a distillery by the owner. But from the sightings at this place, well, they better provide some refreshments," answered Fred.

"It certainly is an unusual case. The distillery does have a history of unusual happenings, but nothing like the last couple of weeks," replied Velma.

"When it was bought by that pop star, Ke$ha," added Daphne.

"Like, why couldn't we be going to, like, a haunted candy factory?" sighed Shaggy.

"We already did, with Cass Elliot, remember?" said Daphne.

"Raunted rice ream rectory?" inquired Scooby.

"Um, the Neapolitan phantoms case." Fred answered.

"A pepper plantation?" Shaggy proposed in a last ditch attempt.

"That island in Louisiana with the zombies and cat people?" Velma said.

"Oh well, like, at least me and Scoob brought some food, like, right school?" Shaggy turned to look at his dog friend, only to see Scooby gulping down a huge sandwich.

"Well, there went all the food, hehe," mused Shaggy.

"Cool it you two, we're here," ordered Fred as the Mystery Machine pulled in front of their destination. The distillery was a large brick building with a weathered look; not very distinctive at all. The gang exited the Mystery Machine and walked up to the front door. The door made a loud _creek_ as it opened.

"Creeking door, how cliché," mused Velma as the gang walked into the distillery. They had walked into a sort of reception area, with a glass window on the other side of the room. Behind it was a middle aged man wearing a black shirt and blue jeans.

"Ah, you must in Mystery Incorporated?" inquired the man.

"Uh, yes," said Fred.

"Right this way," said the man. He led the gang though a door into some offices, taking them to the largest office in the complex.

"Ke$ha is in here," said the man.

Fred opened the door and led the gang into the room. It was a typical boss' office, with a large desk with a window behind, and some chairs before the desk. Behind the desk was a young blonde womanwearing a designer black hoodie and glitter throughout her face and hair.

"You must be the famous Mystery Inc!" she exclaimed as the gang entered the room. "I am Kesha Sebert," she continued as she stood up and shook all their hands.

"Wow, I'm so excited to meet you. I'm a huge fan," said Velma as she introduced herself.

"I love my animals! And especially appreciate y'all for coming to my aid. Some weird shit has been going down here lately, but from what I've heard, this is y'all speciality. You've helped Cass Elliot, Tim Conway, Jerry Reed, the Hex Girls, Selena Gomez, and many more with paranormal fuckery. I once fucked a ghost, but this one doesn't seem interested in my butterscotch," said Ke$ha.

"What does this ghost seem interested in?" Fred said, raising an eyebrow.

"All I can tell, scaring and hurting my people, which I cannot abide by," said Ke$ha. "Just last night one of the security guards got a broken arm from this fucker."

"Wow, do you know any details?" asked Velma.

"He's bandaged up now, and can answer y'all's questions," said Ke$ha. She picked up her cell phone, pressed a number, and said "Hi, could you send Douglass over…okay, thanks."

In a few minutes in came a middle aged man with his arm in a cast.

"Douglass, this is Mystery Incorporated. They're here to get the motherfucker responsible for what happened to you and the others. If you could answer some of their questions, that might help," said Ke$ha.

"Thank you, Miss Serbert," said Douglass as he took a seat.

"Call me Kesha. And don't you worry about a thing, we'll catch this fucker and chop off his balls. And I'll make sure you're taken care of, and you're spot will be opened when you're well enough to come back to work."

"Thank you so much, Miss..um..I mean, Kesha. My arm is the least of my wounds. I can't get that…thing's…face out of my mind when I try to sleep. I was tired last night as it was. I'm not sure I'll ever sleep again," said Douglass.

"I've found a fifth or two of Jack is a good sleep aid," said Ke$ha, handing Douglass over to the gang.

"Can you tell us what happened, Mr…?" Fred turned to Douglass.

"Braintree. Douglass Braintree. I started working here after I moved from Ashfield because my brother died…some crazy electrocuted him. I thought I'd have a more normal life here, but I was wrong," introduced Douglass.

"It'll be okay, we're here to help. Just tell us what happened," said Fred, placing his hand on Douglass' un-injured shoulder.

"Well, the power went out and I was talking to check the fuse box, when on the catwalk I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye. At first I thought it was nothing, but then a thud landed behind me. I turned around, and I think that's when…it happened…when I started going insane," said Douglass, looking down.

"I know remembering is stressful for you, but it would really help if we knew what we are looking for," said Fred sympathetically.

"It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen, and I've been to Silent Hill!" exclaimed Douglass. "It was pale, ghostly pale, with red eyes, a shrunken face, and a horrible grin! I only saw it for a nanosecond of a nanosecond, but that was enough. I was so filled with horror I jumped off the catwalk, not caring if I died or not, just…just wanted to get away…away from…from that..that…that," Douglass broke down, shaking and holding his face in his hands.

"It's okay, that's enough," comforted Fred.

"You can go now, Douglass. I'll take care of all your medical bills, just get well in both body and mind," said Ke$ha.

"T.t. you," said Douglass as he left the office, still shaking.

"Wow, whatever it was, must be pretty bad to shake up a person that badly," observed Daphne after Douglass had left.

"He isn't the first; we've had four other such attacks. All the descriptions have been consistent; some pale fucker with red eyes and a disturbing grin," said Ke$ha.

"What can you tell us of this distillery?" asked Velma.

"Well, it was built in the late 1800's by an Irish immigrant named Killian O'Mal. His family ran the place until this year, when his great great grandson had to sell the place to pay off some debts. His son, Killian's great great _great_ grandson, was pretty upset about losing the family business. My manager told me having a Ke$ha line of whiskey would be a great seller, but so far this has been a nightmare. Since the first day, the son, Cennétig O'Mal, has been coming by, saying how the ghost of Killian O'Mal is going to run me out of here…" said Ke$ha. Just then there was a call on her cell phone. A few second after she answer it, she had an exasperated look on her face and said "him again…fine, yeah, let him up here, _again_."

"Speaking of the devil, the little psycho has come again," Ke$ha told the gang.

A few minutes later, the office door flew opened as a short man with ginger hair stormed into the office.

"Aye, now who may these blokes and lasses be?" inquired O'Mal upon seeing the gang.

"They're Mystery Incorporated, come here to stop your ancestor from acting like such a little bitch," replied Ke$ha.

"Aye, ghosts still givin' you trouble? I'd be more than willing to take ta trouble o' this place off yer hands," said O'Mal.

"Listen, I've actually been thinking," said Ke$ha, annoyed, though clearly in thought. "I don't know that much about this business, besides the consumption of the product; neither does anyone I know. I'm guessing you do. How about you just work here as top manager. You'd only answer to me and I'll let you run it however you like as long as it turns a profit."

"Ha! Be some blonde whore's bitch to work in me birthright! Shove it up yer arse, ya blonde whore!" answered O'Mal.

"Fine. Just get the fuck out of there and stop bothering me," said Ke$ha. "Please don't make me call security to escort you out…again," she added.

"I'm perfectly able to see meself," said O'Mal as he turned to leave. "Are yer sure yer able to stay here?" he added with a laugh before shutting the door behind him.

"Well, he's certainly friendly," noted Shaggy.

"Reah, ras riendly ars I ram to ra rat," said Scooby.

"You mean cat, don't ya Scoob?" joked Velma.

"Reah…rou know rhat I rean," replied Scooby.

"He certainly would have a motive for scaring you away, "said Daphne. "And he probably knows the place pretty well, so he could pull something like this off."

"True, but first we need to find some clues," said Fred.


	3. Chapter 3: Mo' Whiskey, Mo' Problems

_Chapter 3: Mo Whiskey, Mo Problems _

"We should split up," continued Fred. "Shaggy and Scooby check out the storage plant. Me, Daphne, Velma, and Kesha will look through the distillation plant."

"Actually," Ke$ha interrupted. "I think I'll go with Shaggy and Scooby." She goes to Shaggy and starts tickling his chin. "I _really_ like this beard!"

"Um..okay, I guess?" Fred said, giving Velma a sideways look.

"It's okay," said Velma. "This isn't the first season of _Mystery Inc._, so I'm not super jealous, and me and Shaggy are just friends."

"Alright then; well, let's start looking for clues," said Fred.

"What sort of things are we looking for?" asked Ke$ha.

"Anything out of the ordinary, like dry ice on a pirate ship," answered Fred

_That is oddly specific_, thought Ke$ha. _Well, they _are_ the super sleuths, _she continued.

So the two groups went in their respective directions. The main distillery was in the northern part of the plant, while the storage facility was in the southern part.

As Shaggy, Scooby, and Ke$ha reached the storage building, Shaggy said

"_Gulp_, like, I hope the ghost isn't in here,"

"Reah, me roo," repled Scobby.

"Usually I don't have _this_ much trouble with ghosts. Before the worst thing was a ghost haunting my butthole. But yeah, this ghost is mean," said Ke$ha.

"But don't worry," she continued. "Probably just that crazy bastard, O'Mal."

"Like, couldn't he just open a new distillery?" asked Shaggy, as they entered the building. For as far as the eye could see were lines of oak barrels stacked on their sided on shelves. Different shelves had different labels, such as "Double filtered," and "Gentle lady Ke$ha", while others had "Aged 5,10,15 years" and so on.

"Well, it could just be the whole 'family pride' thing," began Ke$ha. "But there is that old legend…"

"Like, what legend?" asked Shaggy as they continued down the aisles.

"That there is a buried treasure somewhere on the property," said Ke$ha.

"Ralf rhe rime ritz 'ruried reassure'," commented Scooby, remembering past cases, such as the magician who used tricks to keep people away haunted a castle on an old island so he could look for pirate treasure.

"So, like, what's the story with this treasure? Pirates? A coin that opens a jewelled bug to reveal a diamond, Nazi gold?" asked Shaggy, exasperated with such a cliché.

"It kinda varies," replied Ke$ha as they turned a corner and began down the next aisle. "The consistent thing is Killian O'Mal burying _something_. What that something is, no one can agree about. Some say money, others say a recipe for the ultimate whiskey," said Ke$ha.

"And those people would be wrong," a voice said, as out of a shadow, emerged…

"Rannah Rontana?" inquired Scooby Doo.

"Uh! No! I'm not a Disney princess anymore. Didn't the VMA performance prove that," said Miley Cyrus, who then proceeded to stick out her tongue.

"Like, what is what that tongue thing that looks like a brain damaged snake thing she always does?" whispered Shaggy.

"Not sure," whispered Ke$ha.

"Miley," Ke$ha continued, speaking louder. "We've been through this. I brought the distillery fair and square, and I don't like you sneaking around here."

"Ha, you just want to find it all for yourself, and know the secret," said Miley Cyrus.

"I would give you permission to look around, if you agreed to give me half of what's found, but as soon as you started, this ghost started coming around fucking stuff up," said Ke$ha.

"Ghost just wants to keep the secret to himself," replied Miley Cyrus.

"Or perhaps you're the ghost…or your vagina attracts ghosts. My vagina had a ghost once, I could refer you to a good psychic healer," said Ke$ha.

"Fuck that," said Miley Cyrus. "I am not the ghost, and Betelgeuse got rid of my vagina ghosts."

"Like, what is this secret you two are talking about?" asked Shaggy.

"The super twerk," answered Miley Cyrus. Shaggy and Scooby looked at each other saying quizzically.

"The super twerk," continued Miley Cyrus, "is from another world. It is a terk so great; it has only been done once. In 1908, Katie O'Mal sold her soul to the twerking demon Canio. The twerk he gave her was so powerful it broke reality enough for Katie to enter another dimension. Legend says there is a box somewhere on this property that has a stone that can be used to contact the demon, and thus learn the super twerk."

"That all sound…um, well, frankly even if was true, would be incredibly stupid," said Shaggy deadpan.

"Ha! You don't understand! None of you understand!" Miley Cyrus shouted as she stormed off.

"Um, like, another suspect?" asked Shaggy.

"Maybe…" said Ke$ha.

MEANWHILE, IN THE DISTILLERY BUILDING

"Do you think O'Mal is behind it?" asked Daphne as they walked around, looking for clues.

"So far he's our only suspect," said Velma.

"We have had surprises before. We'll know more once we find some clues," replied Fred.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Daphne, pointing at something behind a box. Fred goes over to the box and pulls out a Canadian flag and an Usher CD.

"What a Canadian flag and an Usher CD be doing at a distillery?" asked Velma.

"Maybe the ghost is a Canadian Usher fan?" guessed Daphne.

"We need more clues," said Fred.

BACK AT THE STORAGE BUILDING

"So far, no clues," said Ke$ha.

"Yeah, but also no ghosts, which is fine by me, right Scoob?" said Shaggy.

"Right, Raggy," replied Scooby.

"I hope the others are being more productive. Since we ain't getting shit done, might as well do some quality assurance," said Ke$ha, walking to a barrel with one of those little spigots, leaning over, turning over the knob, and getting a mouthful of whiskey.

"Um, not bad," she said after she swallowed. "I can see this being a best seller. Try some."

So Shaggy and Scooby repeated this procedure. However, since neither had the alcohol tolerance of Ke$ha (do dogs have alcohol dehydrogenase anyway?), they immediately started to stumble around, have slurred speech, and in general were sloppy.

"Hum, not bad, eh Scoob?" slurred Shaggy.

"Realll…Scooby Snack _hic_ rlavour rould re _hic _reat, though," replied Scooby.

"Yeah, a Scooby Snack flavoured whiskey would be awesome!" Agreed Shaggy.

"Aren't those dog treats?" asked Ke$ha.

"Oh yeah, yeah yeah, they like, totally are, like, like doggie treats. But, like, they are just so, like, good," said Shaggy sloppily.

"I'll have to look into that, maybe add some glitter to it," suggested Ke$ha.

"Rlitter rould _hic_ re reat _hic_," agreed Scooby, laughing at the end.

"Shh! We don't want to, like, alert the ghost," warned Shaggy.

"Fuck him," said Ke$ha.

"Real, ruck rim!" agreed Scooby.

"I bet he's just some mark ass bitch. Has a small penis and has to compensate by scaring people. There, just solved the mystery," said Ke$ha. She turn turns around and says "Yo ghost! Come out here motherfucker!"

Almost in response, moans and groans echo around the trio.

"Zoinks! Like, cut that out! Seriously, I think the ghost is in here," said a panicked Shaggy.

"Ha! Let that fucker come, I'll spray him down with some Holy Whiskey!" replied Ke$ha, pointing to a barrel comically labelled "Holy Whiskey, blessed by an actual priest, vintage 1969."

"Real, ruck rhat roast!" said Scooby, filled with Dutch courage.

"Like one, Scoob, stop acting like Scrappy Doo," said Shaggy. He then turned his head to Ke$ha and said "And two, what sort of priest blesses whiskey?"

"An alcoholic one? I don't know, the '60s were weird," said Ke$ha.

Then another groan rang out, closer this time.

"Zoinks! The ghost will be here soon. Let's make like a banana and like split!" suggested Shaggy, standing straight, panic filling his voice now.

Shaggy turned to run, only to see a figure coming from the shadows…


	4. Chapter 4: A Burstle in the Barrel Row

_Chapter 4: A Bustle in the Barrel Row_

From the shadow stepped one of the most disturbing sights Shaggy had ever seen. Shaggy had seen many gruesome monsters, from tar monsters to cat creatures. But he could not remember anything that spooked him straight to his soul like this abomination. The features of the figure itself are not that frightening on paper. A long pale face, so horribly gaunt. Dirty blonde hair, two blood red eyes. The scariest thing about this monster's appearance was its grin. The grin seemed to say more than any words. What was truly scary was the aura the monster put off. It was nothing but horribleness; a sick feeling to one's stomach, a feeling of sheer horror beyond adequate description. The thing _look_ human, but at the same time, deep down, Shaggy knew whatever was before him did not belong in this world.

This lasted a horrible fraction of a second, before Shaggy's mind recovered enough to remember to run. In an instant, Shaggy legs were moving faster than they ever had before. Scooby and Ke$ha, seeing someone run like this, knew questions were not in order, just to get away from what had caused such a reaction.

So, the chase sequence began [like on any Scooby Doo show, there is chase music. Here it is Ke$ha's _Run Devil Run_].

Shaggy, with Scooby and Ke$ha struggling to keep up, was heading straight to the exit. Just as he could see the door, however, from an aisle, the monster stepped direction in his path. Shaggy ran into an aisle to his left. A second later Scooby and Ke$ha saw the monster. The adrenaline in their bodies made it impossible for the monster to make their bodies' freeze, so they ran to an aisle to their right. The monster then followed after them. This quickly became the old hall of doors routine. Shaggy would run from one side to another; then Ke$ha would run diagonally to another row, and the monster could be chasing Scooby into another row. Eventually everything got so confused Ke$ha was chasing the ghost while Scooby and Shaggy chased each other.

Eventually, Scooby, Shaggy, and Ke$ha ran down the same aisle, and the ghost followed.

"Hey, let's turn over stuff to slow the ghost down," Ke$ha panted.

"Like, great idea," replied Shaggy through heavy breaths as he turned over an oak barrel. The monster jumped on the barrel and started to run on it, rolling towards the gang.

"Zoinks! Now he's just faster, quickly, let's turn," said Shaggy, and they took a right. The monster jumped off the barrel, only to be chased by the trio on three different barrels.

"Let's corner this ghost!" said Ke$ha.

"Right!" replied Scooby.

The ghost was cornered against a call of barrels. As the trio closed in, the ghost suddenly jumped straight up, out of sight. The trio then ran into the wall, several of the barrels falling down and breaking. A tidal wave of whiskey took the gang bursting through the doors of the building.


	5. Chapter 5: Mind's Eye

_Chapter 5: Mind's Eye_

_Notice: I do not own Scooby Doo, Ke$ha, Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love, Family Guy, Garfield, Peanuts, The Blue Falcon, Ren and Stimpy, Miley Cyrus, Metal Gear Solid, Call of Duty, Heavy Rain, or any other characters not created by the author. All of these characters are sole property of their respective copyright owners._

"What was that?" Daphne asked as the gang searched for clues.

"It came from outside," replied Velma.

"Come on, let's see what it is," said Fred.

The three exited the building to see the earth in front of the storage building soaked; the air full of the smell of whiskey. As they approached, they could see Ke$ha standing beside a very sloppy Shaggy and Scooby sprawled on the ground.

"Like…I don't feel so…good," stammered Shaggy.

"Reah _hic_, re…re…_hic_..reither," Scooby got out.

Shaggy then bent over, face to the ground, and vomited. Scooby soon followed suit. The ground now included partially digested Scooby Snax, pizza, and various other food matters, and an acrid smell now accompanied the smell of whiskey in the air.

"Hump, lightweights," Ke$ha remarked, shaking her head.

"What happened?" asked Velma, staring at the scene in bewilderment.

"We saw the ghost, but escaped in a whiskey tidal wave," replied Ke$ha.

"Um, did you have your mouth closed or something?" asked Daphne.

"Nah, just a high alcohol tolerance and glitter," said Ke$ha. "I really need some dry clothes, and I think Shaggy and Scooby are gonna want a dark, quiet place," Ke$ha continued.

"Yeah, let's do that," agreed Velma, deadpan.

"Did y'all, um, find any clues?" asked Fred, wanting to bring back some normality and get back to business.

"The ghost is a disturbing mother fucker, and I'd be pretty good at some log rolling. We also saw Miley Cyrus sneaking around looking for treasure" said Ke$ha as they starting going to the distillery where the offices were located. "How about y'all?"

"Just a Canadian flag and an Usher CD," said Fred.

"So…the ghost is a Canadian Usher fan…that probably narrows it down more than would be appropriate," remarked Ke$ha.

"We're not even really sure if the flag and CD have anything to do with the ghost," said Velma, holding Shaggy up, with Ke$ha holding Scooby up, making their way to the building. "What's Hannah Montana doing here?"

(From off screen) "IT'S MILEY CYRUS! I'M NOT A DISNEY PRINCESS ANYMORE!"

"She's looking for some 'super twerk' treasure on the property," said Ke$ha.

"Isn't that trespassing?" asked Daphne.

"Technically I guess I could have her thrown out. But's she's cool when she isn't obsessing over that treasure. Wished I could get her mind off that so we could do a song together," replied Ke$ha.

They finally got to their location, and Ke$ha took Shaggy and Scooby to a reception area with some couches to lay the drunken Shaggy and Scooby on.

"Here," Ke$ha said, giving the two a plastic bag lying around. "If you need to throw up some more, use this."

The two simply moaned before passing out.

"Wow, I haven't seen those two laid out like that since senior spring break," remarked Velma.

"Come on, let's discuss a plan of action while these two sleep it off," said Ke$ha.

The gang and Ke$ha left Scooby and Scooby to recover from intoxication. As often happens, Shaggy and Scooby had alcohol induced dreams.

SHAGGY'S DREAM

Shaggy remembering when he and Scooby Doo broke off from the group in the 90's. He remembers one of his celebrity cases.

Shaggy and Scooby Doo walk into a room with singer Kurt Cobain on the floor, with a shotgun in his hands and a nasty head wound.

"Ew," said Shaggy. "You know, this is a leap; land development scams to homicide."

"Reah. Rlmort uprets ry appetite," said Scooby Doo. "Rlmort," he finished as he pulled out a large sandwich and began to eat it.

"Scoob, cut that out, you might contaminate evidence," ordered Shaggy.

"What homicide, boys? Kurt had a suicide letter and everything," walked in Courtney Love.

"Like, what's that red on your hands?" asked Shaggy, pointing out Love's red covered hands.

"Oh, um, just, um. Finished baking a pie…a cherry pie! Yeah! You boys want some?" stammered Love as she pulled out a cherry pie from out of nowhere.

"Oh boy, do we!" cried Shaggy and Scooby in unison. So they began eating the pie. Just as Love turned to go away…

"Rey, rait one rinute," said Scooby.

"No no no. It is much better this way! Now he's more famous than he would have been alive, what with the unintelligible lyrics and the fact grunge will irrelevant in ten years anyway, all the attention going to those silly boy bands. I did him a favour," Love said panicky.

"What ra ro ralking about? I rust rant some ripped reme," said Scooby, confused.

"Oh…oh...haha…you just want some whipped cream…here you go," said Love as she handed the two a can of whipped cream.

"Well, I must say, this pie is delicious. A pie cannot taste this good at a murder. Suicide," said Shaggy.

"Reah, ruicide," replied Scooby, as Love breathed a sigh of relief.

Panning out from the sleeping Shaggy, we get to look into Scooby's drunk dream…

Scooby Doo is flying in the back of a helicopter with Snoopy from _Peanuts_, Ren from _Ren and Stimpy_, Odie from _Garfield_, Dynomutt from _Blue Falcon_ and Brian from _Family Guy_.

"Rere ere re?" asked Scooby Doo. Looking at himself and everyone else, we realized there were in combat suits, with several modified weapons.

"We're in a fan fiction, you eddiot!" shouted Ren.

"No no, we're in one of our shitty _Call of Duty _inspired dreams," replied Brian. "By the way, have I expressed my irrational hatred for people who practice any religion, even if said person minds his or her business and in general acts like a decent human being while I try to bang borderline retarded women, try to bang the wife of the guy who supports my ass while being smug, and abusing a child who's design is ripped off from _Hey Arnold!_?"

"Umm…only in every shitty episode?" replied Dynomutt.

"So…all the newer episodes?" replied Snoopy.

"Good enough for me. Now let's kill some noobs!" said Ren, his psychotic smile on his face.

The various dogs are dropped off by the helicopter to a Middle Eastern-looking town by a sea.

"Look at this. These first person shooters romanticizing our illegal, manufactured wars against these peaceful, kind people," said Brian.

"WHO GIVES A SHIIIIT!" shouted Ren, psychotic again.

"It's just like what Big Momma said in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots," sighed Brian.

"Yeah, yeah, quote the game where it takes four buttons just to shoot," interjected Dynomutt. "That game is so revered just because it is Japanese. Yes, the first game and second game were good, but the damn second and fourth, making like ten thousand plot threads people pretend to be interested in just for some pseudo-philosophical wangst about nuclear weapons. At least Call of Duty knows how to design a game people want _to play_, unlike that piece of shit movie with quick-time events _Heavy Rain_."

"The cheque went though, now go kill some noobs!" shouted a voice from nowhere. About a second after this, bullets begin to wiz by.

"Oh God! My dick…well, if I believed in God. Have I mentioned how I am atheist, and how that makes me better than you?" said Brian as he was hit in the groin, then promptly in the head. The dogs can then see the enemy; cats dressed in Third World battle dress.

"Ratz!" cried Scooby, as he began shooting, getting a couple of kills.

"CATS! YOU EDIOT!" cried Ren. A cat with a sniper rifle then begins to jump around Ren.

"STAY STILL YOU FUCKING F***OT N***ER! HACKS! YOU USING HACKS YOU NOOB N***ER! YOU NOOB F***OT!" cried Ren as he in vain tried to shoot the jumping cat with his shotgun. The cat then quick scopes Ren in the head, killing him. Snoopy then shoots the cat, killing it.

"Enemy UVA in your area," said the disembodied voice. Snoopy then pulls a rocket launcher from his back and shoots the UVA down. While he was distracted by this, a cat with a knife walks up behind Snoopy, stabbing him in the kidney.

"Fuck you, noob! Use a fucking gun, this isn't _Assassin's Creed_," said Dynomutt, revealing an assortment of heavy weapons from his robot body, shooting thousands of bullets and missiles at the cat. The projectiles either missed the cat, or did not do enough damage to kill the cat. The cat then gets out a pistol and, with a single shot, brings Dynomutt, bringing him to his last stand stance.

"Hey, hey, someone revive me!" cried Dynomutt. Looking around, he sees Odie standing and drooling. "Hey, hey retard, come revive me!" Odie just continued to drool. "Are you lagging? Are you retarded or something? I'M THE GODDAMN DYNOMUTT!" shouted Dynomutt just before being finished off my the cat.

Scooby then pulls out his gun and puts an end to the cat's killing spree.

"Stealth chopper ready," said the disembodied voice again.

"Ro roy, realth ropper!" shouted Scooby. Before he could activate his kill prize, a load of buckshot ripped through Scooby's body, sending him to last stand.

"Rhere rid rat rome from?" asked Scooby, before looking around and see Odie, drooling all over a shotgun.

"Rucking rard" said Scooby as his vision went from red to black.


	6. Chapter 6: The Doctor Will See You Now

_Chapter 6: The Doctor Will See You Now _

As Shaggy and Scooby slept off their inadvertent binge, Ke$ha and the gang met in her office to discuss the current situation.

"It just doesn't add up," said Velma.

"We need to rethink this," said Fred. "Now, the ghost seems to be able to travel between the distillery proper and storage, so he's not bound to one building."

"I'm going ahead and assuming he can travel throughout the complex," said Ke$ha.

"Right," said Fred. "Now, the question is, how does he go from building to building? There aren't too many hiding places from the top, but I wonder…"

"Wonder what?" asked Ke$ha as Fred trailed off into thought.

After a few moments, Fred replied "The ghost could be using some secret passage to move around unseen."

"Here, let me get out an old map of the place," said Ke$ha. After rummaging through some papers in a filing cabinet, she pulls out a large, yellowed rolled-up paper. Un-rolling it revealed a map of the distillery.

"Alright. Granted, this map was made in 1936, so it might not be 100 % accurate…wait a minute, this could be it!" cried Ke$ha in glee, pointing to two parallel lines that stretched from the square labelled "Storage" to a larger square labelled "Distillery".

"What is it?" asked Daphne.

"It's a tunnel built during Prohibition to smuggle secretly produced whiskey out to bootleggers," said Ke$ha. "I don't think anyone's used it since World War II when it was converted into a makeshift bomb shelter."

"Perhaps now instead of bootleggers, out ghost is using that tunnel," remarked Velma.

"Certainly worth a look," said Fred.

Just then, Ke$ha's assistant, Nicole, a young brunette wearing glasses, walked into the office.

"Hey, Nicole!" said Ke$ha. The tone of her voice showed not only did she see Nicole as an assistant, but also as a friend.

"Hey, Ke$ha," replied Nicole, a hint of worry in her voice. "I need to tell you something."

"Sure, what about?" asked Ke$ha.

"It's Jimmy Holtzson," replied Nicole, rolling her eyes.

"Did he steal and post more sex pics of me?" asked Ke$ha, panic in her usually calm and confident voice.

"Nah," answered Nicole. "But apparently he does now about our ghost situation," finished Nicole, as he pulled out her phone, showing a blog headlining "KE$HA'S SUPERNATURAL LOVER PUTTING GHOST JIZZ IN NEW WHISKEY LINE, WHISKEY SUCKS, LIKE KE$HA".

"ARRH! Mother fucker! How does he know about that, we've kept this pretty hush hush," cried Ke$ha.

"Perhaps he has some insider information?" questioned Fred.

"Yeah, he does seem to have it out for you," commented Daphne.

"As true as that might be, you're stardom is what fuels his blog," replied Velma, adjusting her glasses. "Still, it wouldn't surprise me if he has some source that knows the ghost."

"Okay, so now we have two leads," said Fred. "We need to investigate that tunnel, and question Jimmy Holtzson."

"We are down two men. Well, a man and a dog," said Ke$ha.

"Shouldn't take but a couple of us to question Holtzon, while that tunnel might have some excitement," said Fred.

"I'll take the tunnel. I'd rather deal with a ghost than that asshole," said Ke$ha.

"Perhaps questioning would go better with two lovely females?" suggested Daphne.

"Right. You and Velma go question Holtzson. Kesha and I will take a look at the tunnel," replied Fred.

"Where is Holtzson, anyway?" asked Velma.

"Bitch lives about an hour's drive south from here. I'll give you the address," said Ke$ha. Soon Velma had entered the address into her phone's GPS, and within fifteen minutes, Daphne behind the wheel with Velma in her usual seat, the Mystery Machine was blazing down the highway.

"So, we now have three suspects," said Daphne. "What do you make of it?"

"Well, the tunnel is something O'Mal would be familiar with; through, with extensive search, like what Miley Cyrus is doing, one could find it. But Jimmy Holtzson has to have some connection to know about the haunting in the first place…actually, I wouldn't be surprised if O'Mal and Holtzson are working together…a failed whiskey from all the bad publicity Holtzson is generating would force her to sell; then, O'Mal could buy it back."

"What about Hannah Montana" questioned Daphne –Off screen "IT'S MILEY CYRUS!"-.

"Well, for now, she's the bottom of the suspect list, as Kesha is letting her search for the treasure, so Cyrus has the lowest incentive to haunt the place," replied Velma.

They continued to travel in silent for a few moments. The radio buzzed out psychedelic 60's music as the country side faded in a blur as they began entering more populated areas.

"Hey, I just had an idea," said Daphne, breaking the silence.

"What is it?" inquired Velma.

"Well…this treasure…Kesha knows about it, and isn't upset about someone looking for it. I wonder if she's connected to the ghost, just to keep others from looking for the treasure." Daphne theorized.

"If Kesha was scaring away people to look for the treasure for her own, why would she allow Miley Cyrus to look around?" Velma asked.

"Well…to keep the suspicion off her," explained Daphne.

"She did call us, which could be seen as a 'divert suspicion' tactic…but the ghost is only scaring away people who work there, not people searching for this 'treasure'…besides Cyrus, who's really looking for the treasure?" countered Velma.

"Alright…that makes sense. Still, though, I hope Fred and the boys are alright with us gone," mused Daphne.

"Is it the fact Fred is investigating dark tunnels with only a famous and attractive female got you bothered?" asked Velma, teasingly.

"No. Ugh! Why does everyone think I'm this jealous harpy? I love Fred, but he just seems to want just any pair of boobs that walks by…" said Daphne, on the edge of tears.

"Whoa! Whoa! I didn't mean to upset you, Daphne. Fred's only got one girl on his mind, and that's you," soothed Velma.

"You really mean that?" asked Daphne through a few tears.

"You know I do," answered Velma, looking a Daphne long enough to show sincerity, but not so long as to have a wreck. "Besides, Kesha likes bearded, party guys, and Fred's as clean-shaven as they get," Velma chuckled as she looked to the road again, with Daphne joining in her laughter.

The emptiness of the farmland gave way to the buildings and red lights of a medium-sized town. Following the computerized voice of the GPS, Velma parked outside a small house on a street off the main drag.

"Ok, we'll have to put on the charm, that's more your speciality," said Velma to Daphne.

"No problem," said Daphne, as she powered her nose, and adjusted her B-cup breasts so as to maximize her cleavage. The two then exited the van and walked up the way to the front door.

"Well, here goes nothing," said Velma, pushing the doorbell. The two heard the bell echoing within the house, and in a minute the door was answered. Velma and Daphne were surprised by the elderly man who answered the door.

Thinking they had gotten the wrong house, Velma asked "excuse, is Jimmy Holtzson home?"

"Eh, why, no. He lives here, but is out for the moment, but will be back shortly. Why don't you make yourselves at home?" asked the old man. Now that Velma and Daphne looked at the old man more, he seemed slightly off. Almost like the "Dinosaur" from Ke$ha's song. He was balding, thin, yellow teeth…but still, something about his eyes; perhaps the hungry look in them, perhaps the way they went up and down, lingering on their beasts and hips, made Velma and Daphne uncomfortable. Still, there was a mystery to solve, so the two girls walked into the house. The interior of the house looked older, with old-fashioned furniture and the like.

"So, what brings you to the Holtzson residence?" asked the old man ask the two girls took a seat. Daphne, while supposing to be the seducer, was too creped out to really say anything, so Velma did the talking.

"We want to ask him about the recent Kesha distillery," answered Velma. "We saw his blog about, and want to follow up," she continued.

"Ah, yes, yes. Well, he is out for the moment, but rest assured, he will be back! Now, would you two like some refreshments?" asked the creepy old man. Daphne, having lots of experience at clubs, knew not to drink anything from a creeper, but to her surprise, Velma said,

"Why yes, thank you."

When the old man had gone into the other room, Daphne spat in Velma's ear

"Do you want to get raped? Doesn't that creepy old man give you the creeps?"

"Yeah, but he doesn't need to know that. Just pretend to drink it, but don't," replied Velma.

A second later, the old man was back with two glasses filled with a yellow liquid.

"Hope you girls like lemonade," said the old man.

_And roofies_, thought Daphne.

"Say, I don't believe we ever got your name, Mr…?"

"Doctor…Dr. Viol," answered the man.

"What sort of doctor are you?" asked Daphne.

"I use to be a professor of philosophy at the local college, before I retired," answered the man.

"Hum…Dr. Viol…I think I've heard that name before," said Velma. "Did you write any textbooks?"

"I was a reader for a few…perhaps you've read some of my journal articles? I have several in the German journal _Quatsch_," said Dr. Viol.

"Perhaps…" paused Velma, knowing that wasn't it. She remembered it was something quite negative…but couldn't quite remember.

"What made you decide to retire from academics?" asked Velma.

"Students today…just don't know how the professor/student relationship is supposed to work. Even worse, the damn admiration sides with these little slu…slow students," replied Dr. Viol.

"So…why are you hanging around a blogger?" asked Daphne, the suspicion in her voice just subtle enough to not be called out.

"I find it useful to my research. Pop culture and society and philosophy and all that, you know," said Dr. Viol. The vagueness of the answer, the oblivious evasiveness, made her suspicious. Just then, rang out in the room _"Pretty Mary Sunlight/ She's alright with me/ Pretty Mary Sunlight/ Everything I need"._

"Oh, my cell phone. Excuse me while I get this," said Velma, leaving the room and into a hallway.

"Hmm…From Shaggy," said Velma to herself.

"_Where r u?" _the text said.

"_Investigating this mystery. Good to see you've woken up from your drunken stupor,", _Velma replied.

"_Zoinks! I didnt ask 2 get wasted"_ said the text a few seconds later.

"_LOL, I no. g2g, c u l8er.", _replied Velma. Velma began to turn to go to the other room…but then thought this would be a great time to look up Dr. Viol. She quickly searched him, and was horrified to remember where she'd heard that name.

"Professor investigated in rape allegations"

"Trial date set for professor accused of mass rape"

"Local Professor Convicted of Raping Over 100 Female Students, Many other Victims Possible"

"Le Broyn to be in Space Jam 2?"

Velma gasped at the links. Her surprise was short-lived by the blunt force to the back of her head that caused her to instantly black out.


	7. Chapter 7: Tunnel Rats

Chapter 7: Tunnel Rats

"This trap door seems to be in very good working order not to have been used since World War II," remarked Fred.

"Looky here, fresh oil," said Kesha, rubbing a finger on the hinges and inspecting the thin, light oil on her fingers.

"Come on, let's see who's been using this passage," said Fred, and the two went down the metal ladder into an earthen tunnel held up by wooden supports.

"The supports don't look to be in the best of shape," observed Fred as he looked at the termite eaten wood in the light of his flashlight.

"I ain't gonna jinx anything by wishing this tunnel doesn't collapse with us in it," said Kesha. "Hey, are those footprints?"

"Yeah, sure are," said Fred. He kneeled to examine the footprints in the light of his flashlight. "Not very heavy set…either a woman or a petite man…really doesn't rule out anyone. Cyrus is small, and O'Mal is unhealthily skinny."

As they turned a corner, light hummed from an alcove in the tunnel. Both Fred and Kesha stop in the light.

"Lights don't stay on by themselves long…" Kesha whispered, more to herself than to Fred.

"Yeah…maybe whoever lit it is still here," said Fred.

"Even if not, this definitely shows someone is using this tunnel," replied Kesha.

"Stay here, I'm gonna sneak in and see if there's anyone up in the alcove," said Fred, always the planner and leader.

"Hey, I'm the sneaky one, I'll do it," objected Kesha.

Fred looks at her for a second before saying "Okay, just don't get caught, or I'll have to be the fighting one."

Kesha, crouched, made her way to the alcove where the source of the light was. At the right angle, she could see a figure hunched over a table, looking at a piece of paper, speaking.

"No, no. Not here, not here. Where can it be!? Has Cyrus found it? No, no. She was searching just today…or perhaps that is just to mislead me…" The voice was high pitched and sing-a-song. The pitch of the voice caused pain to Kesha's ears, but she continued to eavesdrop. "And those meddling kids and dog? What are they doing here? I suppose that bitch called them in to "solve" this little mystery," the figure laughed at the end. The laugh was so high pitched Kesha had to cover her eyes and winched in pain. "Anyway, got to get back to it. The sooner I find it…" the figure said as it suddenly turned around, seeing Kesha.

"What the fuck?!" shouted the figure. Before Kesha was the same monster Shaggy had seen, except much closer. She could see the menace in the red eyes, and deep wrinkles throughout the gaunt face. But the grin was gone, replaced by a frown. Kesha's "fight-or-flight" response came on, choosing fight. She punched the monster in its ugly face, sending it backwards. Quickly correcting, the monster swiped kicked Kesha's legs from under her, sending her falling. Fred catches Kesha, and punches the monster in its face, sending the ghoul into a support beam. After the monster's head made contact with the rotten wood, the whole tunnel vibrated.

"Got a horseshoe or something? You just broke that support beam with the monster's head!" exclaimed Kesha, regaining her balance.

"Maybe I should get into boxing, after we get out of this collapsing tunnel!" Fred quibbled, taking Kesha's hand and heading for the exit.

"Wait, the monster!" said Kesha.

"Oh, yeah," said Fred. They looked back, just long enough to see the monster heading in the opposite direction of the collapsing tunnel.

"We'll catch 'em later, let's just get the fuck outta here!" cried Kesha, and with that, they raced out of the tunnel, narrowing missing falling debris, with the tunnel falling coming in just as they emerged from the trap door.

"Wow, that was a close one," said Fred through heavy breaths.

"Yeah. If the ghost went the other way, means he's going to the distillery building," said Kesha.

"Ok, we can trap him in there," said Fred, thinking.


End file.
